Sunday 4 September 2011

PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium - The Secrets of the Picnic Hamper

It was a balmy 25 degrees at sundown  and the staff were assembled around the pool in their temporary headquarters in Kalkan, Turkey.  The sea was still that blissful blue and was dotted with gulets and yachts cruising back to harbour or still idling in the bay.

It was quiet apart from the chink of ice in restorative Mojitos  and Tequilla Sunrises - the men in black had insisted that on this mission the 5 a day needed to include fruit (or mint) soaked in some sort of alcohol.  However, there were those who had downed their medicinal cocktail quickly and had now moved on to some ice cold Efes, the local beer.
Mrs C was beaming around, as she polished off her second Pina Colada (lots of pineapple chunks): her picnic hamper was now centre stage and she was thrilled to think that Rebecca, Angela and Suzanne were about to start waxing lyrical about her damson and apple chutney which was one of the delights contained within it.

So it was Mrs C who led the enthusiastic round of applause when the afforementioned people stood up.   It was also Mrs C who let out a howl of anguish when Rebecca opened the hamper - and the chutney was nowhere to be seen.  Neither were the apple and damson pies, the ginger beer or the cheese scones.  All gone, gone, gone...
In their place were  a collection of luxury grocery items from a well known store.  This was not just any hamper, this was an extra-special, top of the range Marks and Spencers hamper. There were bottles of champagne, boxes of chocolates, tins of biscuits and jars of all manner of things: olives, jam, apricots and brandy... Everyone was mmming - except Mrs C, who had reached for a restorative Horse's Neck (brandy and ginger) to get over the shock. Carolyn was already edging over to the luxury dark chocolate box. But then Rebecca shushed the crowd and started to speak.
"Friends and comrades, I shall say this only once",  she spoke in an awfully commanding tone. "As you know we are not here on holiday, but on a mission". (Slight buzz of disappointment in the crowd at that point).
"Saving the world will be tough, but  someone has to do it - and we are the chosen ones.... DON'T open that" Rebecca shouted as Carolyn eased the chocs out of the hamper.  Crestfallen she put them back, murmuring something about needing to eat to keep blood sugar levels high.

"This in not just an M and S food hamper.  This is an M and S extra special secret agent hamper, containing all you need for a good week's spying and espionage activities. 
Angela took out the chocolate box that Carolyn had had her eye on.  "This for example contains not chocolates but explosive devices that can be used to open doors -although, it is not intended for when you've lost your keys at 4 am". She appeared to be glaring at Kate, Emily, Nigel, James and assorted Chris's at this point, who had celebrated their first night in Kalkan quite loudly the night before...

Suzanne took over, showing the staff one of the champagne bottles.  "These extraordinary devices serve 3 functions,  Firstly, you will notice that the cork is quite long.  This is because it isn't just a cork, it's 3 extra-special cork bullets that can be used in times of emergency.  You can also unscrew the cork and your bottle can then be turned into a telescope with 3 simple moves".  More Russian gymnast than English runner at this point Suzanne performed her routine at lightning speed and 30 seconds later the champagne bottle looked like this.


"The third function of these champagne bottles is to provide essential hydration here in Turkey.  It can get pretty hot here." The staff nodded, they had noticed this tendency.  "These bottles contain the finest champagne, but it has been genetically modified so that it will hydrate you, keeping you healthy and happy for hours - all good, no bad side effects!"  Suzanne took a swig and demonstrated how great if made her feel with a quick handspring and one and a half twist sumersault into the infinity pool. 

When she came up (scoring 8.7 - shame about the bent leg) she signalled to Angela to carry on.  There was a gasp as Angela opened a tin of chocolate biscuits and produced the most unexpected item so far from the picnic hamper.  It was an M and S extra special snorkel set, in dark green with matching fins. "Tomorrow, you will be taught how to use this device.  Until then rest, relax - go out for dinner.  Enjoy yourself in Kalkan.  For who knows what tomorrow will bring."


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